From the beginning

December 13, 2009

It's 6:30 in the morning the day before we are heading to Disneyland and instead of sleeping, I've decided to start a blog. I previously decided to reach out to other highly sensitive moms and see if I can form a support group for moms of highly sensitive children. This decision was made while I was trying to go back to sleep from Faith waking us up again.

My daughter is 2, she will be turning 2 1/2 at the end of the month. Even as an infant, I knew she was unique. I love that she was different and I can true appreciate it, because I have always felt different. After our friend recommended the book, "The Highly Sensitive Child," by Elaine H. Aron (http://www.hsperson.com/pages/child.htm), I decided to get a copy for myself. While reading this book, I felt both relieved and terrified. First, I finally realized that my daughter is "highly sensitive." Secondly, I discovered that I am "highly sensitive" as well. This is why my daughter and I have such a strong bond. She is a momma's girl, always has been and hopefully, always will be.

I can kill two birds with one stone with this blog. I wanted to write a message to all the mommies I know and hopefully get to know out there who are in similar situations as I am. This will be a great place to invite this mommies to, as we share our experiences and exchange strategies that can help our highly sensitive child(ren). It will also be such an outlet for me to share my feelings with people who truly understand.

For most of Faith's life, I have felt like a terrible mother. Lots of anger and then accompanying guilt for the anger. I would constantly compare myself to other mothers and compare her to other children her age. I started going to a mommy support group when Faith was three weeks old. In this group, I meet some amazing mothers. Some of whom, I still very close with. It was great having a group where everyone was going through about the same thing, around the same time. We also had discussion boards where we can share experiences, ask questions, and get help from one another. The discussion boards were great at first for me, but after awhile, reading them made me angry and sad. I felt totally incompetent compare to some of these moms, who knew all the answers to their child's tantrums, who's child slept through the night, who's child ate everything, etc. I know that my anger has nothing to do with them, but more of my jealously because my child wasn't like that.

My husband and I knew that Faith was unique when she was a newborn. When her eyes were open, you knew that she was taking in everything around her. She was always been acutely aware of everything. "Acutely aware" was the words I always used to describe her before I found the term highly sensitive.

I remember feeling comfortable as a parent in Faith's first month of life, although we were sleep deprived, adrenaline was kicking in, so we felt great. If you are a parent, you know that all they need at that point is to be fed, changed, and held and they're good. It wasn't until Faith's second month, that all our confidence shattered. On the day of her second month, was when the projectile vomiting started. I don't mean, "spit up!" We didn't know how it was humanly possible for a newborn to even have that much stored in her little tummy. That was probably why it always came up. We are at a point where she was throwing up after every meal. I breastfeed her until she was nine months, and in that time period, I wore vomit quite often. We had all our sofa lines with extra large towels (at least they match with the couch) and thank goodness she was good to always vomit on the towels or the hard wood floor. On some occasions she would get the carpet, and that was never a fun experience. It's been two years and we still have vomit stains on our carpet.

Also around this time, the colicky started. She would be fine all day and then around, 4pm, she would scream for hours. We tried everything from holding her, to swinging her, to downloading white noise, to swaddling, and the only thing would work would be the vacuum cleaner. Yup! It was so loud, but it was the only thing that kept her from scream at the top of her lungs. I'm surprise that vacuum didn't break.

At four months she started to have stranger anxiety and would only let her "select four" hold her. That was me, my husband, my mom, and my mother-in-law. Some of our family and friends didn't understand this and insist on taking her from our arms. Of course, she would start screaming and then I would swoop in like the over protective mother, that I had become to save her. Knowing what I know now, I'm so glad I listened to my mother instinct and came to her aid.

Faith had very few moments of sleeping through the night in her two years of life. That means that I haven't slept well since before I was pregnant with her. That's more than three years of sleep deprivation. It is why my body is failing me now. I know part I have to take responsibility for some of it. For instance there have been many moments where I could be sleeping, but instead, I am up writing in a blog. I guess, I felt that she I have to give some much of myself all day to her, that when she is asleep, it's finally my time to do the things I enjoy, such as watching television, checking on my Facebook, working on my business, www.onelilsnap.com, etc. I know it frustrates my husband, but he just doesn't understand how important this time is for me. It's truly the differences between my sanity and as my friend says, "slitting my wrist."

Faith generally only sleep 10 hours at night and take a 1.5-3 hours nap. Everything related to sleep in a struggle in our household. The process of getting ready to go to bed, the selection of stories for the night, the made up story time, when lights go out, how she gets to sleep, etc. It is getting easier now that she is a little older, but it isn't as effortless as most of this parents, where then can read to their child, give them a kiss and say "goodnight, I love you, see you in the morning," walk out and there child is soundly asleep in about 10-15 minutes. Even in my wildest imagination, I can't see that happening for us.

We have tried so many different arrangements for sleep, since crying it out is not an option for us. Remember, vomiting, well, my daughter has the super power of vomiting when she cries too long. There are still nasty stains her bed, that no matter what, we can't get out. I have slept on a separate mattress in her room, slept with her on that mattress, slept with her in our room, slept with her on the couch while the tv is on, etc. She always sleep better when she sleeps with me, but the problem is, I can't sleep with her. I am so acutely aware of her when I'm next to her. I wake up from every stir and sounds she makes. The worst part is that she used to tug on my hair. I was her comfort item. Most kids have teddy bears or blankies, my daughter had my hair. When ever she needed comfort, she would tug on my hair. It wasn't a big deal when she was a baby, it was actually so cute, that's why I let her do it in the first place, but as she got older and stronger, it would hurt so much. Thank you to my wonderful husband, we finally just broke that habit. Occasionally she would still want to do it, but we have to remind her she couldn't pull. She is allowed to caresses my head.

It seems like any time we got a method down for sleep and she would go ten hours, something always interrupted it. Either teething, which I swears last for a few months for each tooth, or illness, or nightmares, or travel. She is so sensitive to everything that the smallest thing that isn't noticed by other children, bothers her so much that it would disrupt her sleep. For example, she still has to wear a onesie to bed because if she doesn't, when she moves in her sleep with her diaper, it rubs her funny and she will wake up screaming.

I know it seems like it's all negative, but being highly sensitive isn't all bad. She is such an amazing child and I'll spend the next post on that.

Sorry it's so long, I'm a rambler, once I get started, I don't know how to end things.